January 30, 2011

What to Do?

It’s 11:11 AM and I’m sitting on my bed with a huge mound of clothes in front of me.  I woke up about an hour ago determined to make something of my day so I decided to unpack some of my boxes I brought home from college.  I can’t believe I have so much clothing.  I remember buying it and wearing it but now that I’m unpacking them, they don’t even feel like mine.  Who is this girl who wears sundresses and business pants?  Why do I have these tops for going to parties and out dancing?  This isn’t me anymore; but I so wish it was.  I wish I had a place to wear the dress I wore for my first anniversary with my ex boyfriend or that sundress I wore when it was hot enough to go to the beach.  

Besides the fact that is winter, I can’t picture my self doing those things now.  My laundry is done every week and it consists of sweat pants and pajamas.  I have nowhere to go, no reason to get dressed up.  I haven’t even unpacked my jewelry yet because I don’t bother to spend time adorning myself anymore.  What’s the point?  I’m not trying to impress anyone or even meet anyone new.  I’m just trying to get better and that means I rarely leave the house and when I do it’s mostly for physical therapy.  

So now here I sit, paralyzed, looking at all of these clothes from this past life I once had, wondering what to do.  I don’t want to put them in my closet, a constant reminder of what I can’t do.  But I’m not going to get rid of them either because I hope to wear them again some day.  By then, who knows what will be in style anymore.  How long will this rehab thing take?  And who will I be by then?  Will I still be a person who needs a top to go to the club?  Will I ever even be able to dance again?  I know I’m supposed to live in the present and “take each day as it comes” but I can’t help thinking of a life beyond this because the life I’m living right now is not enough.  I can accept it for right now, and I have, but not forever.  Frankly, it’s testing my patience and changing my identity.  This illness is so isolating and it has taken away my zest for life.  I don’t know how to spend my days anymore.  I’m always looking at the clock amazed at how slowly time passes.  

When I used to sleep the day away it felt like time was escaping me, but now that I’m awake, I spend my hours in pain, trying to pass the time as quickly as possible.   That’s no way to live but I can’t find an alternative right now.  I do my physical therapy exercises, I’ve tried painting, making jewelry, doing puzzles, I’ve read a lot of books, I do a little school work, but it just doesn’t seem to add up to anything meaningful.  Everything seems to pale in comparison to the challenge of getting better.  

And looking back to where I was a while ago, I am improving.  I can see that.  But sometimes is just feels like old problems are getting replaced my new ones.  I used to sleep all the time, now I’m awake and in pain.  I used to get viruses all the time, now I have a consistent stuffy nose and sore throat.  Hopefully I’m at least trading up but I can’t be so sure.  And the options for medication are running out and the pressure is on me to get back in shape.  I want to be good enough to walk up the stairs without feeling winded and ready for a nap.  Hell, I want to walk anywhere without being ready for a nap.  I knew recovery wasn’t going to be easy but I just don’t know how much more I can take.  And of course, I don’t have much of a choice.  This is the last hope.  And I have to rise to the occasion.  Right?


  1. Greetings from Southern California, USA

    I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.

    God Bless You, ~Ron :-)

  2. Hi, I just started reading your blog. I have a chronic illness too, though not cfs.
    If you have those clothes and want to be the person who wears them and wearing jewelery and looks great - do it! Wear a necklace to physio, even if you have to take it off when you get there. Wear a sundress over leggings or yoga pants. It's not about impressing people, but connecting with who you were.
    I can't do what I used to. Right now I'm pretty sick, and it sucks. But I find, for me, that the little things - putting on makeup one day, dyeing my hair, dressing up for a doctor's appointment - really help me feel like I'm not as bad. They help me feel normal, alive, hopeful. I can't be like my friends, who are carefree and have boundless energy, but I can at least reconnect with that part of me who loves dressing up and wearing funky clothing and glitter and dancing all night, even if it's just by putting on some lipgloss and listening to a techno song.
    I really hope things start getting better for you. I hope you're able to do the things you want :D

  3. @Cassanara

    Cassanara, thanks so much for reading my blog. You are definitely right. Putting effort into my appearance does help improve my mood and make me feel a bit more capable. Thanks for the inspiration :)


    Hi Ron, thanks for following! I will take a look at your blog as well.

  5. I try to explain to people. I have three types of outfits. I have my normal nice clothes that I wear to school. I have the yoga pants and hoodies I wear when I feel a little crummy and don't want to bother. Then I have my extra nice school clothes. If I'm wearing a dress and make-up to school, I might have a teaching episode, but more than likely those are the days I feel my crappiest and need something to make me feel not dead at school.

  6. Noticed you hadn't posted in awhile. I hope you're feeling well. :)