November 8, 2010

What Goes Down, Must Come Back Up

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on my life and its most recent events.  Looking back, this has been a year of great loss.  I have lost many of my abilities due to my health issues, and as a result, I have lost my sense of confidence and direction in life.  At the beginning of this year, I was dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia but it was very manageable and did not stop me from being in school, having a boyfriend, and keeping up with my friends.  Now, I am at home where I only have one friend, have been dumped, and have the hobbies and activity level of someone in their 70’s rather than someone in their 20’s.  I sleep the majority of the day, knit, and have even taken up watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune every night with my parents.  In addition, I have had two very traumatic trips to the hospital due to fainting spells.  I’m hoping to go back to school for next semester but nothing with me is ever certain.  So where do I go from here?

Well, what I’ve concluded is that the only direction is up.  I have been thoroughly cast scanned and MRIed (yes, these are verbs in my book) and it has been concluded by several members of the medical community that I am not dying.  This fact alone eliminates any further surprises.  Other than that, I know for certain that my friends (though they may be long distance) and my family aren’t going anywhere.  While I don’t do much every day and I don’t have much of a direction, I’ve learned to believe this is only temporary.  And as far as my health is concerned, I have a new doctor and am going to defer to his suggestions.  All I can do in the meantime is focus on minimizing my anxiety and stress level.  I can’t predict the future and trying to only leads to fear. 

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I need to live in the present and take each day as it comes.  When I feel sad, I will let myself feel sad.  When I feel tired, I will sleep.  And when I am in pain, well … they actually make pills for that!  And while at times this seems like a pretty pointless existence, it is only a temporary state. Though gradual, I do see improvements in my health and I know from past experience that my illnesses tend to peak and plateau.  If nothing else, I am living to see this thing through and find out what the future holds.  I do believe that there must be some purpose to all this suffering and that whatever/whoever is out there (g-d or whatever you believe in) isn’t just being cruel and making an example out of me for no reason.  I might hold the key to some answers or at least be able to guide someone else through a similar experience someday, who knows?

Questions to Consider:

What keeps you sane?

How do you deal with times when you are homebound?

How do you confront loss?


  1. Great questions. My mom passed away in her 30's unexpectedly. That taught me a huge life lesson that is helping me get through my own health battles and that is: We are NOT promised a tomorrow. You have to live and love as much today as possible.

    Sounds kind of cheesy but any time that I am down, or frustrated or the mix bag of feelings that comes along with Chronic pain/illness I try to remind myself that if I were to be gone tomorrow I would want to spend my day in that mood or stuck in that bad emotion. It helps propel me forward.

    There will always be times though, when nothing you do can motivate you. And that's ok too. Life is a balance.

    We are all just trying to find our way.

    Great post.

  2. Still Smiling, thank you so much for your comment. Your message is really inspiring to me. Lately I've been feeling down and moody, feeling frustrated with my limitations, but I really don't want to live life like that. You're right, we could all be gone tomorrow. For now I think I should focus on trying to find pleasure in the littler things rather than getting myself overwhelmed with the big picture.