Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays everyone!  This year I decided to send out a holiday card (actually e-mail) to my friends and family with a bit of a chronic fatigue syndrome flare.  Check it out: 

Dear Family and Friends,

Happy Holidays!  This year, I have watched the holiday cards flood into our mailbox with smiling faces and kind greetings.  In the spirit of the season, I wanted to make a holiday card of my own, but with a bit of a twist.  This year has been anything but typical for me and I feel the need to update the people I love about it.  If this were any other year, you might be getting a holiday card from my family (emphasis on might because sometimes they just don’t happen) sharing my accomplishments like making the honor roll or taking a great vacation.  Unfortunately, this year my accomplishments have been of a very different kind.  They have included things like finding a medication to stop me from fainting several times a day and getting strong enough to stop using a wheelchair.  Perhaps I should start from the beginning.

It all began in my freshman year of high school, a time of transition and major stress. Suddenly, my body was overcome with a heavy malaise and my muscles were constantly strained. Told by my doctors that the teenage years were a time when the body experiences "major changes", I thought little of it. However, not long after the onset of the fatigue, I began getting sick more frequently than normal.  In the beginning, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, a hypo-thyroid disorder, when it was discovered that my thyroid was profoundly enlarged. I thought that this diagnosis and treatment would represent the end to my suffering and was hopeful that my energy would return soon. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Fast forward to present day, I now know that I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. I have experienced many ups and downs in my symptoms over the years, which vary from fatigued but functional, to bedridden. I have been fortunate to have reprieves long enough to allow me to attend college and live away from home. Unfortunately, I am currently in my senior year, but have had to take a medical leave for the semester due to a major flare up.

While I do plan to return to college this upcoming semester, chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia are chronic conditions that I will have to contend with for the rest of my life.  While my symptoms can be somewhat managed, there is always a threat that I will have another flare up like I did this year that will leave me unable to function and take care of myself.  However, there is some hope.  On October 8, 2009, a report was printed in the journal Science citing a possibility that chronic fatigue syndrome is caused by a HIV-like retrovirus called XMRV. Motivated by this discovery, scientists are working diligently to devise better treatments for people with my condition.

I have decided that I can no longer sit around and wait for a cure to come along for me.  I want to be part of the solution.  For five months I have been homebound.  I have felt hopeless, helpless, and my faith has been tested.  Knowing that there is a test available that might explain why I have suffered the way I have provides me with a glimmer of hope; but the fact that there is no treatment leaves me in a bad place.

This holiday it is my wish to raise money for the Whittemore Peterson Institute for Neuro Immune Disease, the facility that discovered XMRV and is driving research and treatment efforts.  I know that the economy is horrible and that everyone just had to shop for the holidays, but like many social issues of our day, beyond generating awareness, the only way to fuel action is through donations.  Up to 10 million U.S. citizens could already be infected by XMRV and our blood supply is contaminated. 

Below is a button that you can press to donate through PayPal using your credit card. Thank you so much for all of your support.  Have a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.

Happy Holidays,

Marah


Like I did with my family and friends, I challenge you to make a donation!  Press the button below...

An Invisible Illness

With the cold weather kicking in, I have been spending a lot of time curled up with good books to keep me company.  This morning, I finished a wonderfully, heart-warming memoir entitled Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison.  The book details Robison’s life with Asberger’s and the trials and tribulations he faces as he makes his way through the world.  Towards the end of the book Robison discusses how his disability is received, noting that his condition is often misunderstood due to its invisible nature:

“A person with an obvious disability – for example, someone in a wheelchair – is treated compassionately because his handicapped is obvious.  No one turns to a guy in a wheelchair and says, ‘Quick! Let’s run across the street!’  And when he can’t run across the street, no one says, ‘What’s his problem?’  They offer to help him across the street’ (Elder 2008).

While I do not have Asberger’s, Robison’s comment resonates with me because my illness is not visible to the outside world either.  In some ways, I am grateful for this invisibility as I do not face the judgment and prejudices that many people with physical handicaps are subject too.  I also get to choose who I tell about my disability and don’t have to wear it around. However, the invisibility also presents a lot of room for misunderstanding. I often fear that missing school, having to cancel plans and miss events, and sleeping a lot more that the average might make me appear lazy or unreliable. In addition, many people don’t understand the extent of my illness because it is hard for them to believe that someone could be that sick when they look fine.  Recently, I lost about 15 lbs. due to stomach issues and people often compliment me on how great I look when really it is because I wasn’t digesting my food properly and was in severe pain.  The truth is I’d rather be fatter and feel better!

The other issue with “looking fine” is that it is up to me to ask for help because it is not offered.  I am a proud person and I have a hard time accepting my limitations. I hate feeling dependent on other people and don’t like being taken care of.  While sometimes I’d like to pretend that I am normal and embrace the invisibility, I know that I am better off when I swallow my pride and allow people to help me.  In the past I have ended up making my self sicker by pushing myself too hard when I should have asked for help.

In many of these articles a theme I keep returning to is control. I often feel resentful that I lack control over my symptoms and the limitations they impose on my life.  However, I have to find control in other areas.  When it comes to the invisibility factor of chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, I do have control over how I make my invisible illness visible and to what extent.  Writing this blog is a big way that I choose to make my illness visible. In a way this blog is a kind of “coming out” for me that allows me to take ownership of my illness and find the positive in the lessons I have learned from living with my disability.  In the end, it’s all about balance.  I don’t want to hide my illness but I don’t want it to define me either.  By finding outlets like this blog and asking for help once in awhile, I hope to make my illness visible in a way that does not place a burden on others and helps me to be better understood.

Some questions to consider:

How do you tell people about your illness?

How do you cope with your limitations?

How do you ask for help?